


Now Is The Climax To The Story

by Pollarize



Category: Bandom, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: M/M, Poetry, Suicide, more to be added as the story develops
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-22
Updated: 2016-06-19
Packaged: 2018-05-08 12:55:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5497757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pollarize/pseuds/Pollarize
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The climax is arguably the most important part to a story, but what about the events leading up to that? Do they amount to anything?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I apologize, this is good, I swear.

_ I am the narrator and this is just the epilogue, _

 

_ This story is full of beautiful poetry  _

 

_ or the lies of a silver tongued sinner, _

 

_ I guess it’s your decision. _


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this is short

_He wakes up early today_

_Throws on a mask that will alter his face_

_Nobody knows his real name_

_But now he just uses one he saw on a grave_

 

_He pretends that he's okay_

_But you should see_

_Him in bed late at night, he's petrified_

_Take me out, and finish this waste of a life_

 

_Everyone gather around for a show_

_Watch as this man disappears as we know_

_Do me a favor and try to ignore_

_As you watch him fall through a bleeding trapdoor_

 

_He thinks that faith might be dead_

_Nothing kills a man faster than his own head_

_He used to see dreams at night_

_But now he's just watching the backs of his eyes_

 

_He pretends that he's okay_

_But you should see_

_Him in bed late at night, he's petrified_

_Take me out, and finish this waste of a life_

 

_Everyone gather around for a show_

_Watch as this man disappears as we know_

_Do me a favor and try to ignore_

_As you watch him fall through a bleeding trapdoor_

 

_Take me out, and finish this waste of a life_

 

_Everyone gather around for a show_

_Watch as this man disappears as we know_

_Do me a favor and try to ignore_

_When you watch him fall through a bleeding trapdoor_

_'Cause nobody knows he's alive_

 

_~~~_

 

The crowd snapped their fingers in appreciation of the poem, all eyes trained on the boy who stood on stage. He stood there for a moment, eyes on the floor before he turned and left the stage.

 

Josh had been seated in the audience, listening to the slam poems that people came up with, only finding one that really spoke to him every once in awhile. This was that time. Josh pushed himself up from his chair, keeping his eyes on the poet, being careful never to lose him in the crowd.

 

“That poem,” Josh started, catching the boy's attention. He seemed briefly surprised, that only lasting a second before his face smoothed into a small smile, a shy one.

 

“It’s just a little thing I wrote one night,” he said, looking down to the floor. He seemed so small in that moment. The confidence he should have had in his poetry wasn’t there. He was talking it down, writing it off as nothing important just because it was a late night thought, he didn’t know the impact that his piece had had, on what he could make people feel.

 

“It may be a little thing but it speaks to a lot of people, me included,” Josh explained. The boy’s smile grew just a tad bit more.

 

“What’s your name?”

 

“Josh.”

 

“Well, Josh, I’ll be seeing you,” the boy said as he turned to leave, not giving Josh the chance to protest before he was gone, head still turned down as he slipped out the back door.

 

~~~

 

The poem sat heavy in Josh’s stomach that night, the words eating away at his mind. There were plenty of poems that had an impact over Josh. A lot of them were sad and talked of failure or of depression. They were all beautiful and meant something to the writer and the audience but this one, it had an impact that left Josh with an eerie feeling that didn’t leave.

 

He tried to remember the way that it was said, the way that the boy looked as he recited the words to the audience but Josh couldn’t for the life of him remember. The boy’s face was almost too plain while he spoke. Poets had a habit of exaggerating their facial expressions and movements to make sure that their point got across even to the people in the back. But not this one.

 

Josh could almost picture it in his head. Plain black clothing that covered his arms and legs, burying him in excess material that made him look smaller. Josh tried his hardest to remember his face, an expression, something, but nothing came to mind. Instead all he could picture was a blank face that was blurry and in the distance.

 

It made Josh shiver.

 

~~~

 

Josh felt sick all the next day. Not in the way that he would cough or stand over a toilet wishing that it would just end already. No, this was a sick that left him energyless. It was a depression that washed over him suddenly and wiped him out until he was left gasping for air and wishing he knew what had caused it. But Josh knew exactly what it was.

 

Josh knew and that’s what drove him crazy.

 

He knew that it was the poem he had heard the night before. He’d dreamed of it even. He had been wishing and hoping and berating himself for not talking to the boy longer. He just wanted to talk, to ask about the poem, to remember something but he couldn’t.

 

It was starting to bother him the way the boy could just slip away and not be seen by other patrons. How could he have been so surprised that someone liked his work?

 

Why was Josh still obsessing over it?

 

“Fuck this,” Josh mumbled as he decided he would show up to the slam event that night in hopes of finding that boy.

 

~~~

 

Josh ended up getting there thirty minutes early. Just to be sure.

 

He sat in the audience, far enough back that it didn’t make him look overly excited (though there was no mistaking he was when he was thirty minutes early) but also close enough towards the front that he could see just fine.

 

Josh ended up watching the stage crew set up microphones on the stage and then head out for their cigarette break. All the while Josh watched the people slowly start to enter the building. He inspected each face carefully, being sure to catch each one and not miss the entrance of one particular person. He got a couple of weird looks back, a couple points and whispers of ‘that weird guy staring.’ Josh was beyond caring though because he was on a mission. He wasn’t sure why exactly he felt so compelled but he did and he needed and it made his head hurt.

 

Thirty minutes later and the event had started and the boy was nowhere to be seen.

 

Josh slouched in his seat and his lip stuck out in a little bit of a pout as he gave up on finding the boy.

 

For that night.

 

He ended up in the exact same seat the next night.

 

And the night after that.

 

Each night he was met with the same disappointment as he never found the boy again.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> itll get good i swear

_Here I come, come to you in the very clothes_

_The I killed, killed you in and now I know I’m alone_

_I walk to you, rain falls from you_

_Can you wash me? Can you drown me?_

 

_I want to be a lot of things, so much pent up inside of me_

_I want to be stronger, too long I’ve sat here undecidedly_

_Planning strategy, half of me knows it’s all just a fallacy_

_Failing miserably, drastically, and then I crash dramatically_

_Into a wall that I’ve hit a hundred times before_

_And yet I still ignore the dark red blood stains on the floor_

_And I’m back in front of you, Lord, with blood on the floor_

_Is the blood mine or yours? Don’t want to do this anymore_

 

_Back and forth between being me and who you call me to be_

_You see a man free who thinks he has to buy a key_

_To a door but he can’t ‘cause he’s poor and he can’t_

_Fall down anymore ‘cause he’s already on the floor_

_And his heart is broken and all and this is his scar_

_But it’s warm from crying ‘cause he will try nine times_

_To realize nine crimes but he has more than nine lives_

_So he picks himself up and keeps fighting for the prize again_

 

_Here I come, again to you_

_Just to show the blood soaked through_

_Through my bones and all I own_

_Is there a way for me to grow?_

_I walk to you, rain falls from you_

_Can you wash me? Can you drown me?_

_Please?_

 

_Every time I feel selfish ambition is taking my vision_

_My crime is my sentence, repentence is taking commision_

_It’s taking it’s toll on my soul, I’m screaming submission and_

_I don’t know if this is dying or living_

_‘Cause I will save a face for names sake_

_Abuse grace, take aim to obtain a new name in a newer place_

_But my name is lame, I can’t walk and I ain’t the same_

_And my name became a new destiny to the grave and_

_They say the oceans blue but it’s black right now_

_In the dark, on the sand, looking out at my crowd_

_Depression and drowning singing now the full parts_

_Of lightning reveals where the ocean stops and the sky starts_

_I’ve been told by the sky that the ocean I shall win_

_But it’s hard for me to see where ocean stops and where sky begins_

_A random strike of light reminds me of what is true_

_But right now the ocean is blacker than black and the sky is too_

 

_~~~_

 

Josh hated to admit that he showed up to every slam event for the last two weeks just to hear a single poem by this boy. Of course he didn’t hate going, poetry was something he was interested in, but all for one person? He felt he was bordering on obsessive.

 

Even so, this poem floored him just as the first one had.

 

It left him feeling like he was out of air and his stomach was twisted into knots.

 

Just the same as that first night though, he felt compelled to talk to this boy. Maybe it was the sad words that he spoke and his presence on stage, Josh just felt like he needed to hug him. Maybe it was the fact that Josh found him to be attractive. Maybe there was a list of reasons that all forced his feet to move.

 

“Josh? You again?” The boy asked and Josh nodded, his tongue sticking in his mouth. Josh nodded.

 

“Once again, your poem was amazing,” Josh said, noticing the blush on the boy’s cheeks even in the darkness of the room.

 

“Really?” The boy asked, a small smile on his face as his eyes darted around the room, scanning the people before they ended on Josh’s face. He gave a short nod, opening and closing his mouth a couple times as he tried to put together words to accurately describe what it felt like.

 

“There are so many emotions and stuff that I feel. I’ve only heard two of your poems but wow, they’ve both been so amazing and I just, I can’t even explain. I want to be able to sit down and talk to you, I want to know every little detail that you think. Not even just your poems or any of that, just you in general. With a mind like that, I just want to even sit and just be with you. Is that weird? Oh God, that sounds weird.” Josh clamped his mouth shut, looking away from Tyler as he felt his own cheeks grow warm. Josh knew that he had an incredibly bad habit of ranting about nothing.

 

“No,” the boy said quietly, a smile evident in his voice, “I don’t think it’s weird at all. It’s nice, actually.” Josh looked up to meet his eyes, the tightness in his chest releasing at the sight of this boys smile. It was such a contrast from the words he spoke.

 

“Well, if it’s not weird, would you mind if I take you out for coffee?” Josh asked, doing it now before his sliver of confidence melted away. The boy nodded, his smile growing into a shy grin.

 

“Now? Isn’t it late for coffee?” He asked, pulling his phone out and checking the time before looking back up to Josh. Josh only shrugged, taking a step backwards.

 

“It’s only too late for coffee if you’re basic,” Josh teased, biting his tongue after because he wasn’t sure if it was too far. The boy looked up and there was a fire in his eyes that showed he was up to the challenge.

 

“Fine, you’ve got yourself a date,” he said, stepping forward as Josh turned around. They fell into step easy, weaving around people until they left the building and the night air wrapped around them.

 

“Wow, all I did was mention coffee and now it’s a date?” Josh asked, looking over to the boy and then back to where he was going. It was his first chance to really get a look at the boys face. The other times it was dark and far away and too brief but now, Josh had a chance and he was more than happy to take it. The boy didn’t stand out in a crowd too much, he was plain in the same way Josh was before hair dye. Plain wasn’t always bad though. He had soft features and welcoming eyes. A sort of brown eyes that drew you in and kept you there, made you want to sit and stare for hours. A never ending conversation just for the chance to stare at those eyes. His hair and his face were soft as well, pretty in the same way that you just wanted to stare, to get to know him.

 

“You’re the first to compliment my work, a date is the least I could do,” the boy said as he glanced at Josh out of the corner of his eye.

 

It was an odd sort of way to lead into a date. Josh usually dated people on whether or not he was attracted to them as a person not just because they were nice but he shrugged it off. A date was a date, right?

 

“If this is a date then you should tell me your name,” Josh said easily, turning a corner towards his favorite coffee shop. It was warm and cozy and small, perfect for a late night date.

 

“Tyler,” the boy answered quietly.

 

The two stayed quiet up until they were ordering their coffee and taking a seat.

 

“Do you got to these poetry events a lot?” Tyler asked, taking a small sip from his cup and flinching slightly at how hot it was. Josh shrugged his shoulders and blew on his cup instead. He was stalling as he was trying to find a way to avoid saying that he was really just waiting to see Tyler again.

 

“I have lately, yeah. Poetry is beautiful to me, I love the way some people put words together. The pictures they form sometimes floor me. There are some people out there with a gift.” Tyler nodded his head at the words, his eyes on the table the entire time.

 

“And mine?” Tyler asked, his voice barely audible over the coffee machines in the shop. Josh gave a small nod, biting the inside of his cheek to keep himself from bursting at the seams to scream ‘yes.’

 

“Yours is probably some of my favorite. You could be the Shakespeare of slam poetry,” Josh said, dusting it off with a joke that wasn’t quite a joke. He did really believe that Tyler was a great poet and he felt Tyler should know about that.

 

“Come on, Shakespeare?” Tyler asked, looking up to meet Josh’s eyes with a small smile on his face. For just a second it seemed to be somewhat knowing, somewhat out of place, but it softened quickly and it was nothing but happy and flattered from then on.

 

“You’ve got talent,” Josh whispered, taking a sip of his coffee to give him something to do with his hands.

 

They were silent for a few minutes, staring at different points in the little shop, both of them with a small smile on their faces.

 

“Do you ask random guys out to coffee a lot?” Tyler asked finally, his eyes shifting to Josh’s face again. Josh looked to meet his eyes, finding them almost teasing, joking. Josh gave a small laugh.

 

“No, not usually. I’m not good at talking to people so this is kind of a rare thing for me, though please remember who turned this into a date. I was more than happy to have it be just friendly,” Josh said, giving a small smirk to Tyler who only shrugged at the comment.

 

“Life is short and you’re attractive, why beat around the bush and lie to you that I wasn’t attracted?” Tyler asked and Josh almost choked. He was flattered, there was no denying that, but he wasn’t used to the upfront way that Tyler talked. He’d never met anyone who was able to be that upfront with him.

 

Josh rubbed at the back of his neck as he fought to find words to respond with that formed a grammatically correct sentence.

 

“Yeah, uhm, I appreciate it?” He tried, lowering his gaze to the table out of embarrassment. Tyler laughed and it was such a happy sound, so pleasing to his ears.

 

He peaked through his eyelashes at Tyler’s face, a wide smile that showed off teeth. There was just a hint of dimples and the skin around his eyes crinkled just a little and Josh struggled to breathe for a moment. Besides just the beauty of the smile, he was also taken off guard. He’d spent nights with the image of a sad boy in his head. On stage all Josh ever saw was the pain from his words, a blank expression and eyes that showed they’d seen too much, felt too much. Seeing the smile now was relieving but such a stark difference to what Josh thought he knew.

 

He was speaking before he even knew what he was doing.

 

“God, you’re beautiful.”

 

The smile fell from Tyler’s face and his eyes snapped to Josh, his mouth hanging open in surprise, eyes wide. Josh sat up straight, his own face forming into the same look as they sat there staring at each other, both trying to find the words to cover up or continue what Josh had let slip.

 

“I’m sorry, shit, I didn’t mean to say that. That was weird, fuck, I really am sorry. I didn’t,” Josh stopped when he saw Tyler shaking his head. It felt like his chest was constricting for a moment before he saw a smile slowly forming on Tyler’s face.

 

“No one's ever said that to me before,” Tyler mumbled, his smile falling again and eyes dropping to the coffee in his hands. Josh sat there quietly, tapping his fingers against his leg nervously.

 

“Really?” Josh asked quietly, biting his lip to keep himself from saying anymore. Tyler gave a short nod before he finally looked up at Josh again. His gaze was far too intense for Josh, freezing him in place.

 

“Do you really mean it?”

 

“Yes,” Josh said without hesitation. There was no doubt in his mind that Tyler was anything but beautiful.

 

“I, thank you,” Tyler said quietly.

 

They sat for another couple of minutes before they both decided it was late and got up. Josh walked with Tyler to his car. They stopped as Tyler reached to pull his keys out, both of them standing silently as they tried to find some words to say.

 

“Thank you for tonight, it was nice,” Tyler said quietly, a smile fitting itself back on his face. Josh couldn’t help but return the smile.

 

“Likewise,” he said, taking a step back. “Until next slam event?”

  
Tyler nodded with a smile and turned to get into his car.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wowee another chapter??? 
> 
> im trying to make up for the fact that ill be gone for like two months so have fun. sorry doodle i still think this is shit.
> 
> sue me.

_ Now is the climax to the story _

_ That gives the demons and angel purpose _

_ They fly around while we are walking _

_ And mold our emotions just to please them _

 

_ I am cold, can you hear? _

_ I will fly with no hope, no fear _

_ And the ground taunts my wings _

_ Plummet as I sing, plummet as I sing _

 

_ All we are is an isle of flightless birds _

_ We find our worth in giving birth and stuff _

_ We’re lining our homes against winding roads _

_ And we think the going is tough _

_ We pick songs to sing, remind us of things that nobody cares about _

_ And honestly, we’re probably more suicidal than ever now _

 

_ If you decide to live by what you think's wrong and what’s right _

_ Believe me, you’ll begin to wish you were sleeping _

_ Your weeping will creep in your head and you’ll cry _

_ But if we wake up every morning and decide what we believe _

_ We can take a part our very heart and the light will set us free _

 

_ I am cold, can you hear? _

_ I will fly with no hope, no fear _

_ And the ground taunts my wings _

_ Plummet as I sing, plummet as I… _

 

_ I am cold, can you hear?  _

_ I will fly with no hope, no fear _

_ And the ground taunts my wings  _

_ Plummet as I sing, plummet as I sing _

 

_ How frustrating and so degrading _

_ His time, we’re wasting _

_ As time will fly by and the sky will cry as light is fading _

_ And he is waiting, oh so patiently _

_ As we repeat the same routine as we will please comfortability _

_ Please don’t think about why you can’t sleep in the evening _

_ And please don’t be afraid of what your soul is really thinking _

_ Your soul knows good and evil, your soul knows both sides _

_ And it’s time you pick your battle, and I promise you this is mine _

_ (I promise you) _

 

_ ~~~ _

 

It became a routine for Josh to show up to slam events and Tyler to meet him there. Tyler didn’t always perform a piece on stage but he sat with Josh and listened to the others.

 

Tyler also picked up a habit of wanting coffee late at nights and walks under the stars.

 

Josh had no reason to say no.

 

They were walking through a park hand in hand, neither of them breaking the easy silence. It had become habit, comfort, for them without really either of them mentioning it. Josh had gone to slam poetry on a day where he wanted nothing to do with anyone, a day where his own depression was affecting him greatly but he felt like he’d made a promise to show up. In the end, Tyler was the only reason that got his feet to move. Tyler never knew in the end that Josh was having a bad day, he was never told and maybe he guessed it but he never voiced anything but even so, he was comforting. On their regular trip to coffee and walk Josh felt his own feelings start to dissipate. It was Tyler’s doing without Tyler knowing. 

 

Tonight though, Tyler had performed and Josh wasn’t sure what to make of the poem.

 

He decided to finally ask Tyler about it.

 

“Those things you write, are they all you?” There was a long pause of silence when Tyler didn’t answer immediately and it began to worry Josh.

 

“Not like I’m accusing you of stealing or anything, I’m not, I just know that sometimes people exaggerate or make a story for affect and I just wasn’t sure. It’s still beautiful and amazingly well written I just, yeah,” Josh left off there, feeling like he was messing up each second his mouth was open. Tyler didn’t move to speak or release Josh’s hand so he figured it wasn’t that bad.

 

“Yes,” was the only thing Tyler said. Tyler pulled them in the direction of a bench and sat down. He stayed quiet for a little longer and Josh forced himself to keep his mouth closed. He didn’t know when but he’d pulled his hand from Tyler’s, tangling his together in his lap as he stared at the grass below him. 

 

“What I write is me, yes, but not always, you know? I have moments where those words are so overwhelmingly me that it hurts but then I have other moments where I feel almost human,” Tyler finally explained, the rest of the air from his lungs coming out in a sort of sigh. It wasn’t tired though, or sad, it sounded more relieved. 

 

“Feeling human is good,” Josh said through a strained chest. He couldn’t explain why he felt jealous, if it was even jealously. He wasn’t sure why that made him sad at all.

 

He should feel happy that Tyler had moments where he didn’t feel depressed, that was good, but what stuck in his mind was that it wasn’t him. It hadn’t been said but for some reason his mind got stuck there and it left him guilty and sad and like he was drowning. His throat burned and constricted and it was hard to swallow. His mind screamed jealousy at him but there wasn’t any reason to be jealous. Except there was because he wanted to be the reason that Tyler was happy, he wanted to be the reason Tyler didn’t feel the words in his poems. 

  
It was so irrational and it made him sick to his stomach.

 

“You’ve helped with that lately,” Tyler finally said, it was a whisper and it soothed everything Josh felt instantly. The relief washed over Josh so fast that tears stung at his eyes and he couldn’t stop himself as he turned and threw his arms around Tyler’s neck. 

 

It was the most physical they’d been since they first met and Josh would apologize after but he was overwhelmed and relieved and a mix of happy and sad and he needed this. So he did, he hugged Tyler as tight as he could and mumbled into his shoulder pointless things about how glad he was that Tyler was okay.

 

There was no point to it, no reason for it, but Josh felt it was necessary.

 

Tyler returned the hug, gently wrapping hands around Josh in return, holding onto him as Josh struggled to breathe normally.

 

Josh finally caught his breath and pulled away, wiping at his eyes and nose. He let out a humorless laugh as he did, turning away and pressing his back into the bench.

 

“I’m really sorry for that, Tyler, I don’t know what came over me,” Josh said honestly, feeling almost idiotic for reacting that way.

 

“Don’t worry about it, hugs are nice anyway.” Josh was thankful that Tyler didn’t ask about why it happened or what was wrong. He just let it happen and let it die just as fast. 

 

“‘I will fly with no hope, no fear, and the ground taunts my wings,’ what’s that about?” Josh asked after a little while. The words had stuck in his head and he wanted to know. Tyler let out a soft sigh, letting the empty coffee cup fall between his legs and hit the ground. 

 

“It’s my own interpretation of how I see life and death, I guess. Not always, like I said, but sometimes I feel like my life is going nowhere. I have no hope for anything and no fear because what’s the point? In reference to the song I talk about moving forward as flying so the ground taunting my wings, just death begging me to come, I guess,” Tyler looked down at his lap, pulling threads out of his shirt as he spoke.

 

Josh felt like he was sick hearing the words.

 

“Please don’t think like that, you’ve got way more potential than just that. I like having you around, I,” Josh paused, feeling like he was about to say something beyond stupid. Instead he shut his mouth and looked away, taking in a deep breath before he spoke again.

 

“I’ve really enjoyed being able to get to know you and just talk with you the way we have, don’t go anywhere?” Josh asked, his voice sounding so small to his ears, so weak. But he felt that weak in that moment and there was no point in trying to hide it.

 

“Don’t worry, not going anywhere,” Tyler said. He reached over and wrapped an arm around Josh’s shoulders, pulling him into Tyler’s chest. Josh didn’t fight it, he let Tyler hold him and let the last of his negative energy flow out until all he felt was tired.

 

Another bout of silence washed over them and Josh didn’t feel the need to change that. He was able to sit and let his mind slow, let the empty tired consume him. It wasn’t happy quite yet but it was better than what it had been moments before. He let Tyler’s body warm him until the cold didn’t have any affect. He let the whole scene around them drown out the thoughts in his head until it was time for them to head home.

 

They walked back to their cars that night hand in hand, just the same as they always did. Josh said goodnight at Tyler’s car and was about to turn away, just like always, but he was stopped this time.

 

“Josh, wait a minute,” Tyler said, eyes on Josh the whole time. Josh felt the anxiety bubble up in his chest.

 

“Yeah?” He asked quietly, biting at his lip.

 

Tyler took a step closer, chest almost pressed up against Josh’s. In any other situation Josh would have stepped back but he was frozen. Maybe that was because he’d spent many nights wishing for this exact situation.

 

“Am I allowed to kiss you or do I have to go get in my car like usual and continue to wish for this?” Tyler asked easily, his eyes shifting between Josh’s lips and making eye contact. Josh felt like his throat had closed up, this time, though, it wasn’t bad. He nodded his head, staring wide-eyed at Tyler as he felt Tyler’s hands come up and cradle his cheeks gently. 

 

It was over as quick as it had happened, a short peck on Josh’s lips before Tyler was pulling away and walking around his car to get inside. He said a quick goodbye before he drove off, leaving Josh standing there with red cheeks and his stomach lodged in his throat. 

 

He went home that night in a completely different mood than he’d been in just a few moments before.

  
He was happy and he was so infatuated that it almost hurt, but he loved every second of it.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i apologize for my extremely long absence
> 
> i also apologize for this story in general bc its not as good as i had hoped it would be. it really only has like one chapter left but ya know

_ There’s miles of land in front of us _

_ And we’re dying with every step we take _

_ We’re dying with every breath we make _

_ And I’ll fall in line _

 

_ A stranger's back is all I see _

_ He’s only a few feet in front of me _

_ And I’ll look left and right sometimes, but I’ll fall in line _

 

_ No one looks up anymore _

_ ‘Cause you might get a raindrop in your eye _

_ And heaven forbid they see you cry _

_ As we fall in line _

 

_ And about this time of every year _

_ The line will go to the ocean pier _

_ And walk right off into the sea _

_ And then we fall asleep _

 

_ And as we near the end of land _

_ And our ocean graves are just beyond the sand _

_ I ask myself the question _

_ Why I fall in line _

 

_ Then out of the corner of my eye _

_ I see a spaceship in the sky _

_ And I hear a voice inside my head: _

_ “Follow me instead _

_ Follow me instead _

_ Follow me” _

 

_ Then the wages of war will start _

_ Inside my head with my counterpart _

_ And the emotionless marchers will chant the phrase: _

_ “This line’s the only way” _

 

_ And then I start down the sand _

_ My eyes are focussed on the end of land _

_ But again the voice inside my head says, _

_ “Follow me instead _

_ Follow me instead _

_ Follow me _

_ Follow me instead” _

 

_ Take me up, seal the door _

_ I don’t wanna march here anymore _

_ I realize that this line is dead _

_ So I’ll follow you instead _

 

_ So then you put me back in my place _

_ So I might start another day _

_ And once again I will be _

_ In a march to the sea _

 

_ ~~~ _

 

Each poem that Josh heard left him feeling something. He never really knew what. Was it pain? Sadness? The longing to go and help Tyler. He wanted Tyler to never feel those things. But whatever it was he felt at night, it was always there. 

 

It kept him coming back for more, really. Tyler was in a way, kinda flaky. He had moments where he looked at Josh and anyone would have thought that he held emotion in his eyes, longing or love even, but Josh saw nothing.

 

They had been dating for a couple months and Tyler’s eyes always just seemed empty and it hurt Josh.

 

He chalked it up to Tyler being depressed.

 

Josh was terrified, though. He was terrified that one day he might lose Tyler. To a breakup or to something. Tyler answered his fears one day.

 

They were sitting in the grass out in a field. This time they’d met up during the day and the sun was shining and it was far too hot for them to be out there. Josh would have complained but he got to spend time with Tyler so in the end, it was worth it. 

 

“You seem quiet,” Josh noted and Tyler shrugged, pulling grass up between his fingers. He was watching as the blades fell from his hand and scattered with the still living grass. 

 

“Sorry,” Tyler responded, quiet and hard to hear. Josh frowned, scooting over closer to Tyler.

 

“What’s wrong?” He asked and it was such an innocent question, he wasn’t prepared for how far of a downward spiral it would cause.

 

“Just thinking,” Tyler said, not elaborating. Josh was about to ask and Tyler knew so he cut Josh off.

 

“I’m the narrator and this is just the prologue,” Tyler said, a hint of a smile on his lips. Josh didn’t quite understand the reference. 

 

“Well, then what’s the story?” Josh asked, looking at Tyler curiously. 

 

“Death,” Tyler whispered but there was a glint in his eye as he looked up to meet Josh’s eyes. It was quite frankly terrifying. He seemed far too happy about the topic that the conversation was heading towards.

 

“You can’t die before the story begins,” Josh answered, rolling his eyes like that could make the conversation lighthearted. He did it like it was a joke and his heart wasn’t pounding with fear and anxiety. 

 

“No?” Tyler asked, his smile falling and a frown taking its place, “Well, fine, we’re all just story parts into one big climax, the early death of a beautiful soul, why live forever when I can die young and have my words known?” Tyler asked but it seemed rhetorical. Josh had no idea what to say.

 

“Tyler, I-”   
  
“Shakespeare, right?” 

 

Josh felt sick to his stomach.

 

~~~

 

Neither of them brought up that conversation again and Josh didn’t want to ruin the good mood Tyler seemed to be in. Tyler brought him flowers and took him out for dinner and it was all so amazing that the conversation died from his mind.

 

“Tyler, you didn’t have to take me out,” he said, blushing as the waiter set down their food. Tyler just smiled and shook his head, picking up his knife and starting in on the food. Josh followed his lead and started eating. 

 

“It’s the thing to do, right?” Tyler asked and Josh wasn’t sure what about it made him feel uneasy. 

 

“I want this to be because you wanted to take me out, don’t do it just because others do,” Josh said, adjusting his position. 

 

“Why wouldn’t I want to?” Tyler asked, looking up and watching Josh. Though really, it felt more like he was studying Josh than anything. 

 

“I don’t know, most people do it because they love the person they’re with,” and Josh meant what he said, thought that maybe he was in love with Tyler. It wasn’t exactly the right thing to say, he realized shortly after.

 

“Love? That’s such bullshit. It’s all a lie, anyone who’s ever said they were in love is a fucking liar. That shit isn’t real,” Tyler seemed like he stopped himself when he looked at Josh’s face. 

 

Josh couldn’t see his own face but the emotions in his chest were confusion, pain? He didn’t know what to feel. 

 

“It’s not all fake,” Josh said but it was quiet and there wasn’t much force to it. Tyler’s face softened a bit and he looked away from Josh.

 

“Is being in love really that big of a deal?” He asked. Josh could see that Tyler was thinking, trying to pick out something in his mind. 

 

“Well, yeah,” Josh said, frowning again because everything around him seemed to be crumbling. It wasn’t that long ago that Tyler had seemed so sweet and so kind and now he was sitting here telling Josh that everything he’d been raised to believe about others was wrong. Josh wasn’t gonna take that to heart, he wouldn’t. So he distracted himself with another question.

 

“What’s on your mind?” He asked, watching as Tyler looked down at his lap and picked at a loose thread on his shirt. There was hesitation in his posture and it worried Josh. A lot of things were making him worried.

 

“I’m just trying to decide whether you’re the love interest or the antagonist of this story,” Tyler stated, looking up at Josh with a level gaze. It was so different than the look he’d had on his face moments ago. 

 

“Antagonist? Why would I be that?” Josh asked, hating how his voice gave away how upset it made him. Tyler only shrugged.

 

“You’re trying to keep me from my climax.”

 

“What? Keep you from death?” Josh asked, remembering the conversation they had previously had. Tyler looked away and didn’t make any notion that he would even so much as look at Josh again. He seemed steely and dead-set on keeping it that way.

 

“I think it’s time to go,” he said and Josh tried to argue, saying that he had barely eaten anything. Tyler responded by standing up and putting on his coat. 

  
Josh left the rest of his steak untouched.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more

_ Sometimes you’ve got to bleed to know _

_ That you’re alive and have a soul _

_ But it takes someone to come around and show you how _

 

_ She’s the tear in my heart, I’m alive _

_ She’s the tear in my heart, I’m on fire _

_ She’s the tear in my heart, take me higher _

_ Than I’ve ever been _

 

_ The songs on the radio are okay _

_ But my taste in music is your face _

_ And it takes a song to come around and show you how _

 

_ She’s the tear in my heart, I’m alive _

_ She’s the tear in my heart, I’m on fire _

_ She’s the tear in my heart, take me higher _

_ Than I’ve ever been _

 

_ Than I’ve ever been _

_ Than I’ve ever been _

_ Than I’ve ever been _

 

_ You fell asleep in my car, I drove the whole time _

_ But that’s okay, I’ll just avoid the holes so you sleep fine _

_ I’m driving here I sit, cursing my government _

_ For not using my taxes to fill holes with more cement _

 

_ You fell asleep in my car, I drove the whole time _

_ But that’s okay, I’ll just avoid the holes so you sleep fine _

_ I’m driving here I sit, cursing my government _

_ For not using my taxes to fill holes with more cement _

_   
_ _ Sometimes you’ve gotta bleed to know _

_ That you’re alive and have a soul _

_ But it takes someone to come around and show you how _

 

_ She’s the tear in my heart, I’m alive _

_ She’s the tear in my heart, I’m on fire _

_ She’s the tear in my heart, take me higher _

_ Than I’ve ever been _

 

_ My heart is my armor _

_ She’s the tear in my heart, she’s a carver _

_ She’s a butcher with a smile, cut me farther _

_ Than I’ve ever been _

 

_ Than I’ve ever been _

_ Than I’ve ever been _

_ Than I’ve ever been _

_   
_ _ My heart is my armor _

_ She’s the tear in my heart, she’s a carver _

_ She’s a butcher with a smile, cut me farther _

_ Than I’ve ever been _

 

_ ~~~ _

 

Nobody knew it, but that was the last time Tyler ever gave a poem at a slam poetry event.

 

Josh went up to him, just like every time before, but he had a smile on his face this time. He felt pretty certain that the poem was about him, could feel the way that it was about him when Tyler was on stage.

 

But that was always the thing, wasn’t it? Tyler had so much emotion on stage, so much passion and feelings and everything but when he was here with Josh, he was empty.

 

_ Depression, depression, depression, that’s all it is,  _ Josh kept reminding himself but he knew it wasn’t. He knew that he had been doing everything he could to try and help Tyler, to get him to smile, to get him to feel and he was failing miserably at that. He didn’t want to let his mind wander to what the very real possibility of the situation could be, he couldn’t.

 

“Tyler, that was,” Josh started, his smile growing when Tyler turned to face him. He didn’t know what to say about the poem. In his opinion, he thought that speechless was the best compliment ever. 

 

“We could get some coffee?” Josh offered eventually when Tyler seemed disinterested with the compliment or with even talking about poetry. Tyler shook his head.

 

“Sorry, I need to get home, maybe another night.” 

 

And there was that hint of a smile again that made it seem like there was a joke Josh didn’t know. He didn’t like it but he also didn’t push Tyler for any information.

 

“I can call you or something, yeah?” He asked and Tyler nodded, brushing past Josh then and leaving. 

 

~~~

 

Josh sat with his phone in his hand, wanting to call so badly but he wasn’t sure that he could. Everything lately between him and Tyler had been so confusing and he didn’t like it. It left him feeling like he was on a boat, the waves rocking and he kept losing his footing. He couldn’t keep himself upright and it was starting to make him nauseous. But he was weak willed and he pressed call and listened as it rang and rang and rang until Tyler finally picked up.

 

_ “You called,” _ he stated blandly and Josh frowned.

 

“Of course I called,” he said and he wasn’t sure what to make of the tone Tyler was using.

 

There was a long pause before Tyler spoke and it was definitely not what Josh had wanted to hear.

 

_ “I think I’ll kill myself,”  _ he said and Josh choked. He had no idea how Tyler could even say that. 

 

“What?” He asked, his heart rate picking up and it was all he could hear in his ears. He was trying to listen for something, almost like a telltale sign that something bad was happening. He thought maybe he could hear a pill bottle in the background but he really couldn’t be sure anymore. He was met with silence and it made tears start to sting his eyes.

 

“Tyler, please, you don’t need to do this. I know you always write about feeling like there’s no hope but there is, Tyler, you can get better, I can help,” and Josh is frantic. He’s in love with a sad boy who wants nothing but to end the pain and Josh wasn’t good enough but God, did he want to be. A bitter laugh came through the phone.

 

_ “You don’t get it, do you?” _ Tyler asked, his voice giving away the smile on his face. It was all so wrong though. How could Tyler be happy while Josh was sat there crying. It didn’t make sense. 

 

_ “It’s all a beautiful fairy tale. My story, my life, that’s all it is. You’ll tell them all of my story after I die because that’s what happens, isn’t it,” _ and Josh felt like he was choking,  _ “The poet lives on in memory and story and he never dies in their minds. You’ll tell your friends and family of the sad boy who wrote the beautiful poetry. It was always so heartfelt, full of emotions, so beautiful.” _

 

There was a long pause and Josh took it to catch his breath but he wasn’t able to. His chest felt tight and it was painful, everything hurt. 

 

_ “You’ll remind them that I made it all up, that I never felt a fucking thing. But you already knew that, didn’t you? Somewhere deep inside that head of yours, you knew that it was never real. But that’s the irony here, right? That’s the irony in my story.” _

 

Tyler was laughing and Josh was crying and everything was so messed up.

 

_ What did I do to deserve this?  _ Josh thought, leaning forward and pressing his hand into his eyes like that could stop the tears. 

 

_ “But in the end, you’ll tell them that the sad boy was all a lie, he was never really sad, was he? You’ll tell them that he finally felt his poetry, after all these years. He finally understood the pointless words and rhymes he came up with and he felt them so deep that he killed himself. He finally found love in the purple haired boy named Josh.” _

 

“Tyler-”

 

_ “No, listen here. I want you and only you to know, that everything is a lie. I have never once felt it. The climax is here and my story is over and my poetry is still useless words. It’s useless words that make a great story, a legend that I'll be and all because you’ll continue the lie to appease my dead mind, to pretend like all the others.” _

 

There were so many emotions and thoughts swirling in Josh’s head. He felt stupid most of all, though. He felt like he should have seen it coming, like all those times where Tyler had seemed off should have been a red flag, warning him about this. But he never saw it and here he was, sitting in a puddle of his own tears, listening to someone he loves tell him that nothing was real. Nothing? It finally spilled from his mouth, the question he’d been fearing.

 

“What about me?” Josh asked, choking over the words as he thought over all their nights that they had shared together. Josh heard Tyler tsk him.

 

_ “Come on, Josh. I’m not heartless. You are important to me. Doesn’t it make you feel any better that I picked you, out of everyone, to be the love interest of my story?” _

 

His word were slurring and Josh was terrified and he wanted to do something to help but he couldn’t. He didn’t know when Tyler had gotten a chance to swallow anything while he was giving Josh his speech. 

  
The line grew quiet and there was a thud as the phone on Tyler’s end was dropped. Josh stayed on the call for thirty-eight more minutes, listening to nothing as he imagined what Tyler must look like. 


	7. Chapter 7

Josh stood at the front of the ceremony, solemn faces in front of him. He had a crumpled sheet of paper in his jacket pocket that he was expected to read from. He’d written and rewritten, worrying over what he was to write because he wanted to do good. Tyler’s mother had asked this as a favor. 

 

“You knew him so well,” his mother had said, wiping at a tear as she held Josh’s hand, “you and my boy were so close, could you please say something for him?” 

 

Josh had wanted to snort and roll his eyes because yes, he knew Tyler better than they seemed to. That wasn’t necessarily a good thing.

 

So that’s how he got to standing in front of Tyler’s friends a family.

 

He pulled out that crumpled paper and his eyes scanned it. He’d written down the opposite of what Tyler had asked. He wrote about the truth, thinking then that it would be beneficial for the family in some way to see the real side of their son, of their friend. The words seemed harsh though and Josh frowned. They people took it as sadness.

 

He cleared his throat before beginning.

 

“I am the narrator and this is just the epilogue. This story is full of beautiful poetry or the lies of a silver tongued sinner, I guess it’s your decision,” Josh started, hesitating. He changed his mind at the last minute, balling the paper up and shoving it back into his pocket.

 

“Tyler was sad, from what I saw of him. He spent a lot of his time writing his feelings into his poetry and that’s how I met him. But he wasn’t sad, not really. He wrote the words just for effect, he wanted the praise but he never felt it. He didn’t feel it until we met. The night that he finally felt his poetry was the night that he killed himself. I wanted to make a joke about shakespeare somewhere in here but I don’t think I have one good enough,” Josh said, hating himself because he said exactly what Tyler had wanted him to.

 

He lied to all these people, telling them that in the end, Tyler did feel it. 

 

He never did.

  
Josh hated himself for believing it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let me know your thoughts. im sorry again for this taking so damn long

**Author's Note:**

> pls red et


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